I look at my life and it is easy to see the negative, but I don’t forget the positive. The negative things are easy to see, it’s the positive things that matter. So here are the positive things.
1.) First and foremost, I have a God that loved me so much that he came to earth as a man, and died so that I could be with Him in heaven. This life may suck, but I have the promise of everlasting life with God who chose to be tortured so that I could be saved. He made the tough choice to save me.
2.) I have a little girl, and she is the sun in the sky to me. I love her more than any person in this world. It is because of her that I am saved, and that I can accept God’s grace. I never understood love until I held her. I had never experienced unconditional love until I looked at her face on the day that she was born. She is the star that led me to Christ. She is my star.
3.) My little girl is healthy, safe, and loved. She has a family on both sides that love and adore her, and no matter what happens to me I know she will continue to be loved and adored. She goes to a great school, has a lovely home, and has never known what it feels like to be hungry or to do without the basic needs of life.
Because of those things I have strength. I have the strength to make the tough choices. I have the strength to look into my little girls tear-filled eyes and tell I have to go away. I can break my own heart to do what is right. I can do those things because I know what is best for her even if what is best isn’t easy. I can make that decision because like my Heavenly Father, I would endure torture to give her what she needs.
If that means that I have to rejoin the military and leave her for a year at time, I will do it. I will do it for her because it is the right thing to do. I will do it for her because she means more to me than words can describe. When the time comes, and the money runs out I will make the tough decision.
Like my brother wrote to me this morning…
I can make the tough decisions because there is no greater love than to give your life for someone. There is no person alive who I have greater love for than my child. I can sacrifice my own happiness so that my daughter continues to have the things that she needs. I can leave, join the military, and know that my daughter is growing up without a mother. I can make the tough choices.
What I will not do is to allow fear, paranoia, guilt or shame to force me into that choice before I have to make it. Those are the tools of the devil and I will not be manipulated that way. I am going to stay true to the Word of God.
I am not going to sacrifice a life with my daughter until I have exhausted every option available. I will not make that decision until it is necessary. I will not take the easy out because life gets scary, or the money gets tights. I can make the tough choice, but I am also strong enough to wait for the tough choice to be the right one.